Parenting

Lost Innocence
Children are enviable in their ability to keep a “still and open mind”.  How refreshing it is to watch a youngster intent on a project that takes total involvement. It is that same openness that invites “imprinting” when a child is very young, of course.  We say a child is “impressionable” and can often remember when we were that way.

It is rare that a child keeps that openness all through life.  And isn’t that the way it “should be”?  That innocence becomes “experience”, vulnerability becomes “strength”?  I wonder.  Sure, we need rationality, sophistication and determination.  However, too often those traits rob us of our creativity, our excitement with the ordinary, our compassion.  How is it that we decide to “give up” these qualities of childhood, which if retained, would also serve us well in adulthood?. Often, early decisions are made in circumstances that for the child seem life-threatening. Unfortunately, these decisions can remain in force for a lifetime and in circumstances for which they are no longer appropriate.

Let me give you an example. Johnny is four and has a new baby sister.  He is excited to touch the baby.  Mother comes in the nursery and finds him trying to pick up the infant from her crib.  She reacts out of fear (her Child ego state) and screams, “Don’t touch the baby!”  Johnny feels washed over with her fear and his own guilt, (his Child ego state) hastily lets go of the infant and backs away. A strong and sudden “zap” has stretched from Mother to Johnny.  In order to protect himself from the pain and humiliation in similar circumstances, he might “decide” that he must avoid indulging in his own excitement and curiosity.  He might even think (decide) to himself, “I’m bad when I experience these feelings.” Curiosity and excitement might then become feelings to be avoided. Children tend to personalize criticism when they are that young.  In the life that spans ahead of him, he re-encounters that thought (decision) many times.  Each time he finds a way to put it aside, overcome it.  That “way” becomes his armor.  He uses it over and over again, never recognizing what it is covering because that early thought was, and still is, out of his awareness.

These early decisions lead a person to take a psychological position.  In Johnny’s case, his position was “It isn’t safe to feel excited.”  How this will determine the drama that becomes his life will depend on the situations and people he chooses that support that position.  Often a Johnny finds out that such a position becomes an obstacle to becoming happy and free, and will seek therapy.  There, he will be able to connect present-day discouragement to early decisions, and go on to change his position and the resulting patterns.

Another View Of Parenting
The line between Rescuing a child and allowing him/her to be responsible for self waivers all through the eighteen years of (legal) parenthood.  Here is what Claude Steiner said in his book "Scripts People Live".

“In a day’s time, a seven-year-old boy can -- if left alone -- get out of bed, get dressed, make the bed, cook himself breakfast, make lunch, take out the garbage, clean the dishes he dirtied, go out the door and down the street to school.  He can come home, clean the table, sweep the floor, go to the store to buy anything he wants.  If he comes home and finds out there is no one there, he can figure out that his mother is probably at her best friend’s house, call information, find out the number, make a phone call, and make plans to have dinner with a friend and stay overnight.”

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