My Experience in a Family Constellation

I am standing in for the second wife of a client’s grandfather. This is the first family constellation where I have been a representative, and I am having uncomfortable feelings. My arms are shivering; I reach my hands up to rub them. I feel a heaviness in my chest, like exhaustion. Jane Peterson, the facilitator, moves beside me and asks, “what is happening for you?” I tell her, at the same time wondering if someone let in some frigid air behind me. I’m not sure what is supposed to happen here. Jane puts her hands on my shoulders, wordlessly guiding me a few steps back, no longer near the couple representing my husband and his first wife. I am now facing away from the others. I’m suddenly warm; the heaviness lifted. I look out a window onto a forest scene, all at once calm.

A few minutes before this constellation is set, the client has presented this dilemma. He’s had several episodes of not being able to decide between two women in his life. Jane’s questions to him reveal who came before: at a very young age, his grandfather married the love of his life from a nearby Midwest farm. Shortly after their marriage, his wife died, leaving him susceptible to her family’s encouragement that he marry her spinster sister. What followed was a loveless union. When the client is instructed to choose representatives for himself, his grandfather and both wives, the role of the spinster becomes mine.

During the next few minutes, Jane moves around the positioned family members, asking the others what they are experiencing. Then she places the grandfather opposite me. “I was never there for you,” he is instructed to say to me after I am turned to face him. “I loved your sister.” In a strange way I feel relief at hearing this, as if the truth is finally spoken aloud. Jane explains to everyone in attendance that there is loyalty between the sisters, even more so that they were wives of the same man. “You are the first; I am the second,” Jane tells me to say to her. “I release him to you.”

Jane then moves the first wife to face her husband and asks her to say, “I couldn’t stay with you. Thank you for loving me.” Strangers a few minutes before, these two look at one another, begin to cry, and embrace. A minute and a half pass. Finally the facilitator brings the grandson representative to where he can face his grandfather. She admonishes the grandfather to say to him, “This is my fate, not yours.” Jane asks the client, who has been sitting in the circle of people surrounding this constellation, to take the place of the his representative and say, simply, “Thank you,” then bow from the waist. When he looks up from the bow, he takes a deep breath. There are tears in his eyes.

My sensations of cold coincided with the fact that I had at first been positioned between the grandfather and his true love even though she was gone. It was apparent that I did not belong within their tie to each other. When the grandfather found his place in the arms of his first wife, the young man’s problem had its solution.

Generational patterns of misfortune and tragedy can be interrupted by family and systemic constellation work. However, most therapists who use these constellations in their practices say the process defies definition and must be experienced to be understood. Its model is deceptively simple. The client selects representatives for the members of his/her family and places them in a space in relationship to each other. As soon as these people are “set,” they begin to experience the feelings, thoughts and even sensations of the persons they are standing for. A real picture of what is going on in the client’s family emerges and with the guidance of an experienced facilitator, a resolution appears. Once representatives are in place, it’s as though a visible inner map is formed of an entangled system. Disruptive love, conflict and trauma in earlier generations that have caused suffering in later generations is dissolved as strangers set as representatives play out the constellation. A shift occurs that alleviates the pain. By each family member taking an appropriate and actual place, the grandson’s current destiny is interrupted.

There is a mystical quality apparent in constellations that has been labeled phenomenological by Dr. Bert Hellinger, the originator of this system of inquiry. He is one of Europe’s most innovative and provocative systemic therapists. His eclectic background includes 16 years as a priest working with the Zulu tribes in South Africa, along with years in Germany as a psychoanalyst and family therapist. Dr. Hellinger, now in his late 70’s, has expanded the family constellation concept to include health and organizational constellations as well as cultural ones. He has worked successfully with the descendants of Nazis and survivors of the holocaust.

His development of the “Orders of Love” include simple “laws” which, when thwarted or violated in some way, keep families entangled. Those orders are 1) there is a need to belong to a system; 2) there needs to be a balance between giving and taking within the system; 3) safety and predictability are needed to elicit order. In his book LOVE’S HIDDEN SYMMETRY Hellinger states, “These needs constrain our relationships, and also make them possible, because they both reflect and enable our fundamental human need to relate intimately to others.” Disrespecting a family’s birth order hierarchy or failing to honor a member’s equal right to belong to a system, for instance, are both breaking the Orders of Love. Ignoring or disobeying these Orders creates entanglements that reach across generations. These orders can be broken unwittingly in different ways: A child or young adult may have died and not been mourned; and extra-marital affair may have been kept secret; previous partners may not have been acknowledged or honored between couples; a child may have been given away for adoption and no longer talked about; babies aborted may not have been acknowledged and mourned. In short, Dr. Hellinger’s laws are broken when family secrets are kept. The pain resulting from such entanglements continues in future generations when those secrets are not brought to light. A constellation will show that a family member incorporates the destiny from a relative into his/her own family, despite the fact that person may have lived two or more generations before. When Dr. Hellinger began using constellations over 30 years ago in Germany, he quickly recognized that they provide healing that is outside the usual limits of psychotherapeutic endeavor.

I have become a trained facilitator for this work, and now am presenting Family Constellation Saturdays with co-facilitator Tom Bryson, R.N. You can experieince a constellation for yourself, either as a representatyive in another person's family (no charge), or by choosing to do your own family constellation on an issue you have (at present, $90.)

Below is a handout with further information that I provide for people who have experienced a constellation day with me.

WHAT ARE FAMILY CONSTELLATIONS?
A family (or systemic) constellation is a highly effective healing process that has long-term and often life changing results. Those who have participated in this work say that the experience is not adequately explained in words. For this reason it is mainly by the impacts of personal constellation experiences that information about this amazing healing work is spread among people.

That is why we are asking that you tell your friends about what you saw and heard today. Family constellations are still relatively new in the U.S.; they are far from being anchored in mainstream consciousness. They are unknown to the media, so name recognition is nonexistent. Word of mouth is the method for letting people know about the power of this work.

Here in Portland Oregon and across the country the work has grown over the past six years, with facilitators offering workshops and training to people who came once and kept coming back for more. There is much passion about a way to heal and grow that is so simple and effective.

For instance, you may have been deeply touched when the hidden love connections and entanglements within the systems you saw became revealed. Who would have imagined that health problems could be connected to a grandfather’s child born out of wedlock? Or that difficulties with a current partner stem from a death of a young wife two generations ago? Or that the crippling disability of a son could have been connected to a World War II experience two generations ago?

Most personal (and even professional) issues stem from hidden entanglements that are outside the family’s awareness as stories not yet unrevealed. Constellations tell those stories, restoring balance and harmony for physical illness – from lower back pain to cancer – as well as for emotional and mental suffering.

We welcome referrals to our Constellation Workshops!

CARRYING A FATHER’S PAIN
Twenty eight people have gathered for a workshop featuring Albrecht Mahr, M.D. as facilitator. Every chair in the large circle is taken, except the one to the right of Dr. Mahr. When he says, “Who is next?” Dennis, a man in a wheelchair, glides over. The empty chair is whisked away to create a space for him. As Dennis begins to speak his issue, it is clear from the start that he cannot articulate well. His wife, Jean, interprets: “I have Lou Gehrig’s disease, where my immune system is attacking my nerves.”

Dr. Mahr, director of the Wurtzburg Institute for Systemic Constellation Work and Integral Solutions (ISAIL), a chairman of the International Bert Hellinger Association for Systemic Resolutions, and a training analyst of the German Psychoanalytic Society, is visiting from Germany and is leading participants in Portland, Oregon, into finding solutions for systemic family problems.

“Can you provide some history?” asks Dr. Mahr.

“My father was a chaplain in World War II, stationed in the Philippines, 1943 and 1944. He saw many of his friends die. He helped bury them, then wrote letters to their families.” Here Dennis becomes overcome by body-wracking sobs. When he is able to gather himself once again he continues. “When the atom bomb was dropped, the war stopped and my father’s life was saved.” Silence fills the large room as these words lie on everyone’s consciousness. Dr. Mahr stares at the floor. No one moves.

Then Dr. Mahr says, “Let’s start with your father.”

Dennis chooses a man from the circle to represent his father, and Jean follows his direction to place this representative in the circle.

Dr. Mahr gives direction to the father representative: “Whatever happens in a representative’s body, just let that happen.” He is referring to the feelings, sensations and thoughts that occur all by themselves and preclude the need for words. Within the space of the next two minutes of silence, the representative slumps, breathes deeply with an open mouth, and looks up. Deep sobs arise from his throat as he looks beyond the circle’s perimeter.

Now Dr. Mahr rises and chooses two men whom he places several feet away from but turned toward the father. “These are the friends who were killed,” he states. “You buried them.” He moves to the outer circle and chooses a woman to represent the Japanese Homeland, Nagasaki and Hiroshima, placing her back-to-back with another man whom he chooses to represent the Japanese who killed the Americans. Then he brings yet another man to stand for the American Atom Bombs being dropped on Japan. With that representative standing in front of the father, Dr. Mahr pauses, one hand on the shoulder of the representative of the Atom Bombs, and says “This is what saved you.”

The father lets out a cry, covers his face, gasps, and sighs.

“So that your life could be saved and you could come home to your infant son,” he says to the father representative. As the client cries out, the father (rep) collapses to the floor, face first.

Japan wraps her arms around herself and falls to the floor crying. One soldier comes to her, collapses beside her. She moans, “No, no.” Three minutes pass with no movement or words, only the sound of soft crying.

Then Dr. Mahr instructs Dennis to tell his father, “Yes, Pa, I share with you, with all my being, my soul and my body, I am sharing with you.” Dennis repeats the words as the two of them move from representative to representative within the circle. “Tell him, ‘I am still living.’” Dennis is crying, does not respond.

Dr. Mahr puts his hand on Dennis’s shoulder. “Tell him, ‘I try to take it into my body for you. I tried hard, very hard, and I was ready to die for you.’” Dennis gets the words out with difficulty. “So that the war goes on in my body.”

“Tell him, ‘I’m just your loving son.’” Here Dennis smiles. Dr. Mahr asks, “What do you see?” and he responds, “The face of Pa,” and smiles again.

Dr. Mahr: “Look at him. Be honest with him, whether you are ready to leave to your father his own experiences. Tell him, ‘you are big.’” The client is able to repeat each phrase now. “’You have been in it. You have experienced the war. And I’m small. I’m just your little son. Not more.’ And tell him, ‘Please, Pa.”

Dr. Mahr moves to the father and directs him to touch Dennis’s spine, taking what is there, what belongs to the father. Then he guides the father to turn toward the friends who have been lying down, dead. He directs them to stand, and then has the father join them. Asking them all to breathe, he admonishes Dennis to turn his wheelchair so that it faces the representatives. In the middle of them now, Dennis pivots his wheelchair so he can take in all the people in the larger circle, most of whom are crying. The sound of the client’s wailing cuts the quiet in the large room. But he manages to wheel his chair into a new place among the representatives, all standing now. They make a space for him.

Dr. Mahr asks him to look around. When he is able to do that, Dr. Mahr ends the constellation, saying “We’ll leave it at that.”

Most therapists who use family constellations in their practices say the process, recently introduced by Bert Hellinger to the United States, defies definition.

There is a mystical quality present in these constellations that has been labeled phenomenological by Bert Hellinger, the originator of this approach and one of Europe’s most innovative, and provocative systemic psychotherapists. His eclectic background includes having been a priest and missionary to the Zulu tribes in South Africa, a psychoanalyst and body therapist in Germany, a group dynamic facilitator and family therapist throughout the world. As creator of Family Constellations, Dr. Hellinger developed the Orders of Love (LOVES HIDDEN SYMETRY) which he sees as operating in all families and through all generations. These are simple “laws” that, when thwarted in some way, keep families from respecting their hierarchy in terms of birth order or honoring a member’s equal right to belong to the system. Disobeying these laws creates entanglements that reach across generations: a child or young adult may have died and not have been mourned; an extra-marital affair may be kept secret; previous partners may not have been acknowledged and honored between couples; babies may have been aborted and not talked about or mourned. Family secrets are often kept for generations, creating entanglements for generations to come.

The process begins with each representative being chosen at random. The constellation is spontaneous. No one can predict the outcome, and the therapist makes no interpretations. The representatives, placed in the middle of a circle by the client who has been instructed to stay centered and follow by sensing his own inner movement, quickly begin to take on the sensations and thoughts of their roles. Then, after they are placed and the client sits, it is as though a collective conscience stands among them, guiding them to actions they cannot resist. What occurs within the represented family in the middle of the room is akin to morphic resonance described by Rupert Sheldrake, author of THE SENSE OF BEING STARED AT.

When we do not honor the soul (sacred) agreement by denial (of pain and conflict), we continue to experience unresolved issues and setbacks. We learn from our mistakes, not from our successes. Going into the pain to work through it takes us to the other side and to knowledge of our purpose.

Dennis had been given three years to live by his doctor. He lived two extra years beyond that prediction.